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R.I.P. Mitch Mullany, 1968-2008

            I met Mitch the first time he came to an open mike at the Punchline in San Francisco. I was standing just inside the door with some other comics and he asked, “Where do you sign up?” We all turned towards him. He was young, good looking and probably funny. I said, “None of your business.”

I once bought a used car from Mitch. It was used by Mitch to get $200 from me. $200 you say? It must have been a good car. It was. I believe it was a Ford Fairmont. It was white with a peeling black vinyl top. That’s “a peeling” not “appealing.”

             It was the type of car where I had to drive around with a gallon of water just in case the engine caught on fire, which it frequently did. One time I was doing a set at the Holy City Zoo and the engine caught on fire and I didn’t have any water in the car. Luckily, the fire didn’t start until I was just outside the club. I was able to fill up my empty jug at the bar and the Ford carried on. Sadly, it stopped once in Daly City and never started again.

I think the last time I saw Mitch, I was dropping off my picture at a casting agent’s office for a movie he wrote and he happened to be in the office. He saw me and he said, “Hey, Jim.”

I said, “Hey, Mitch.”

And he said, “Hey, you know this isn’t just stand-up, this is acting.”

And I said, “Fuck You.”

I didn’t get called in.

Mitch was a funny guy and will be missed.

Tripp Comments on Colbert

Comedian and Presidential candidate James Tripp today issued his first statement since Stephen Colbert entered the race for President.

“I’m glad to see another serious journalist enter this contest,” said Tripp. “Now maybe this campaign can be about something that nobody ever talks about and I’m certainly not.”

Tripp asserted that he was not afraid of the competition. “I think we’re going to run a close race with Mr. Colbert in South Carolina,” said Tripp, “but we plan on beating him everywhere else.”

The comedian and Presidential candidate denied that he had any prior knowledge that Mr. Colbert would make his announcement. “I only wish I did,” said Tripp. “I could have announced that he was going to announce that he would make an announcement about an announcement he would be making.”

A Very Special Announcement

“Previously I issued a statement that I would not be making an announcement about making an announcement which was not an announcement,” said possible Presidential candidate and comedian James Tripp. “Today I can announce that I will be making an announcement about making an announcement which will be an announcement.”

Sources close to Tripp reported that the potential candidate today taped a very special segment of The Ointment,  http://www.comedyointment.com, an internet talk and news show parody in which he will announce his candidacy.

The date the show will air was not immediately released.

James Tripp To Explore Exploring

Comedian James Tripp, who ran for President of the United States in 2000 and 2004, today announced the formation of an exploratory committee to investigate whether or not he should form an exploratory committee to study the feasibility of forming an exploratory committee.

 

“We have to explore what it is we should be exploring before we explore anything,” said Tripp. “It may necessitate the formation of a new committee to determine if we need to form a new committee.”

 

Tripp asserted that the existence of www.myspace.com/jamestrippforpresident did not necessarily indicate that he was already running. It is, according to Tripp, “a happy coincidence.” Said Tripp, “MySpace is free. When we set up a page that we’re paying for, then it will become more serious.” An unconfirmed source reported that Americans for James Tripp will set up a new site this Tuesday.

 

“We have explored exploring the exploration of an exploratory committee in the past and every time our exploration has yielded results which led to the formation of an exploratory committee,” said Tripp.

I Apologize

I would like to say something about nothing that has anything to do with everything. In setting out the things I will say nothing about, I hope to elucidate and clarify the point I am trying not to make.

While it's true I never served in the military, as a boy I did own a G.I. Joe. And while I did not follow in the footsteps of that great fictitious American hero, I do sometimes employ a kung fu grip.

Between now and the end of the 2006 election cycle, I will be curtailing my campaign appearances as they will only serve as a distraction from the real things that nobody should be talking about.

Some people were offended by a joke I made about Gilligan's Island.

At no time did I mean to imply that the White House was an island or that the friends of Gilligan were as dumb as the people on the island.

When I called the President, "Gilligan," I did not mean to impugn a trademark of the Time Warner Corporation or the late actor Bob Denver. In my book, the trademark and the actor are A-OK.

I now acknowledge that Karl Rove is nothing like the Skipper, Jonas Grumby, although he has been known to hit everyone's favorite "little buddy" over the head with Jack Abramoff's hat and exclaim, "Gilligan!" I am sorry if I maligned the Skipper or devalued the underlying rights of the character.

I was wrong to make fun of Tony Snow using the character of the Professor. I apologize.

Thurston Howell III is no Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has more money.

It was wrong to call Condoleezza Rice, "Lovey."

Donald Rumsfeld is clearly not a visiting Cannibal from a nearby island. I apologize.

James Tripp