I Apologize

I would like to say something about nothing that has anything to do with everything. In setting out the things I will say nothing about, I hope to elucidate and clarify the point I am trying not to make.

While it's true I never served in the military, as a boy I did own a G.I. Joe. And while I did not follow in the footsteps of that great fictitious American hero, I do sometimes employ a kung fu grip.

Between now and the end of the 2006 election cycle, I will be curtailing my campaign appearances as they will only serve as a distraction from the real things that nobody should be talking about.

Some people were offended by a joke I made about Gilligan's Island.

At no time did I mean to imply that the White House was an island or that the friends of Gilligan were as dumb as the people on the island.

When I called the President, "Gilligan," I did not mean to impugn a trademark of the Time Warner Corporation or the late actor Bob Denver. In my book, the trademark and the actor are A-OK.

I now acknowledge that Karl Rove is nothing like the Skipper, Jonas Grumby, although he has been known to hit everyone's favorite "little buddy" over the head with Jack Abramoff's hat and exclaim, "Gilligan!" I am sorry if I maligned the Skipper or devalued the underlying rights of the character.

I was wrong to make fun of Tony Snow using the character of the Professor. I apologize.

Thurston Howell III is no Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney has more money.

It was wrong to call Condoleezza Rice, "Lovey."

Donald Rumsfeld is clearly not a visiting Cannibal from a nearby island. I apologize.

James Tripp